I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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