She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
