Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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