my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
