i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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