"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Can't talk, ducks in the car
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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