After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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