hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
