I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
