if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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