He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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