My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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