My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
