We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
