3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
