Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
