Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
