Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
