two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Watching her eat just hurts me
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
