Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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