I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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