she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
