I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
