today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
