Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
