Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
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