Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
