I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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