After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
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Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
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What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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