I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
