pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
