you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Randomize
