the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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