In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
