He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
