I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
