Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
