I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
