If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
