Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
