I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
