This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
