no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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