News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
