Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
