Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
