My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
