your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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