If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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