dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
