My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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