She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
