So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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