I think I died a long time ago.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
