I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just forgot I was standing up.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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