I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
