this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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