I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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